M Illness

3 AM  28 December 2019

Aku pernah ada zaman gelap. Like, semua pernah kan, lol.

But masa tu, aku tak tau apa sebenarnya masalah aku. 

Aku cuma tau, hidup aku macam in a blurred vision, in low dim lights, feeling lonely in a crowd.

Kaki rasa berat untuk jalan and always dragged to go anywhere,

feeling so hard to get out of bed, prefer only 1 or no company, muka pucat, always wear black cause i don’t want attention, always on my earphones and my songs (my savior), feeling more things deeply, even the tiny ones, suka jalan sendiri and feel every second of it alone,  like I'm walking in my own world, plus being heartbroken and longing for a boy yang belum decide anything about everything about him. 

The most crushed crush i ever had. Hes always unsure. Always null. Always tak ada jawapan. Always blurred vision.

Having to study apa yang aku loath to. Dengan mak ayah aku yang tak pernah ada mentally or emotionally. Only financially and physically. Not that im complaining. Ada orang lain yang tak ada mak ayah.

So I'im saying,

Yang hidup dan dunia aku masa tu

Suram

Kelam

Like,

Cold and gloomy

Always. Always. Melancholy.

But there were no tears.

Probably because I almost didn’t feel anything anymore at that point.

I'm just.. dry.

I'm just a dry leaf yang got no life.

I felt like I was at a dead end.

Like a tangled wire.

Like there's no solution.

No way out.

Therefore I just stood there

Waiting.

I think probably after semua ni (habis diploma), my life tak macam ni lagi and probably this is normal for everyone ke..?

I thought that was normal

Although inside I know there's something not okay

But everyone said ni semua sebab kau study, kau stress, etc.

So I think, yeah. Maybe.

Maybe .

Aku fikir it's just aku yang weird, yang tak boleh get along dengan orang lain. 

So maybe it's just me and me and me.

(but yeah a part of it memang caused by diri sendiri la)

Today, 4 years later.

Today, aku bagitahu my bestfriend (merangkak my boyfriend...?)

That I might had some kind of dark era satu masa dulu and ada mild depression masa tu (referring to cerita di atas yang panjang berjela tadi)

But sejak jumpa dia aku dah sedikit sebanyak get over benda tu

He asked why and how

I said that maybe tak sepenuhnya but kau actually showed me the reason why aku feel in a certain way and things,

That is, (its difficult to say this) due to my parents.

Kau  validate yang aku tak salah in certain things or to feel a certain way,  but its due to my past

Kau showed me that aku boleh dibawa berbincang. That im not difficult 😢

Kau showed me aku human.

Aku normal

Aku boleh diterima

That aku not weird

That aku human

And that , slowly, buat aku able to make peace with that fact in my head and my heart, thus made me able to go over it, and live over it now.

You showed me there's a way out. From that dark black hole. And im crying typing this.

It was .. excruciating . living like that.

You made me found the truth.

You led me to the truth. And most importantly, you accept my wholly as whatever whoever i am.

Although im damaged,scattered macammana pun.

Well.

It was ugly masa first 2 years kau kenal aku.

Everything is about me, my ego, and semua benda chaotic.

Aku, masih seketul batu keras kepala nak mati, with huge ego, yang degil, yang asyik marah, yang semua nak ikut cakap aku tu.

But being in a relationship, everything cannot always be about one side

So there comes the hurricane

The storms

The tsunamis

The earthquakes

All the disastrous fighting series in our first 2 years.

Shouting, screaming, running away, you name it bruh.

I was.. difficult.

And you never met someone so complicated.

Yet.

And yet.

You have the will to push thru the storm

To sit through it

Talk (or scream) thru it

Literally work it out

You met my demons, my reasons why I was the way I was,

It's not only 1 or 2 or 3 times

But berpuluh kali

Kau sit through it all

And slowly

Day by day, month by month, year by year,

You finally get to my core , passed my demons,

You  set my soul free. Yeah.

Aku sebelum ni tak percaya anyone can fix anyone

But yeah maybe not 100%,

But you did fixed me.

And now

I can say I'm a different person.

Aku not wounded anymore. 

My days tak gelap dah.

I don't feel in the dark anymore.

Almost like,

I found myself.

Through you.

And if I can meet my 4 years ago self

I might want to say to her

That I'm proud of her for staying (upright) even not strong

Even kau menggigil menggeletar to stay upright

That she is not weird or different or difficult

That she don’t need that boy she had that crush on

That 4 years later she will meet a beautiful soul sent from the sky as a gift (woah metaphor)

That showed her the truth.

That everything will be okay

And that everything, the sweat blood and tears for finishing that diploma is worth it, when you see you parents face on your convocation day

And that everything, it will all .. be okay.

And today, I can say that I'm at peace

😊

P/s:

so..

Inilah description panjang untuk conclude the 2 minutes conversation I had with my boyfriend sambil lintas jalan nak pergi exam petang tadi. Sekian.