MIDDLE SMALLER-ARM-ED

no nothing happened
kecuali aku rasa
kecuali aku rasa aku dihampakan oleh orang yang aku angkat tinggi sgt

like you are a cawan kaca
he hold you high and smile and let you go

no but aku rasa sgt.. things are all outta control

things are pretty . mcm art. tp excruciating

like. jalan kat city streets malam-malam. it's a good feeling. but at the same time you know things are not okay. and kau dying.
lana del rey style


no nothing happened
kecuali semalam aku fikir i'm all prepared for that paper. programming. I thought it's gonna be a paper that I can do great.
but turns out aku x cukup masa, atau aku tak dpt buat.
benda tu really brought me down gila.
like kau walking on the ground , seret kaki.


so aku dah grieved for that.


but I haven't texted him since 29 sept
kredit xda
so for a few days aku tak text dia. and i'm looking forward to see him kat dewan .
yes. before the paper started, I saw him coming in dengan satu kapal kwn-kwn dia tu.

t-shirt biru. mcm biasa. dia je yg aku nampak. dia je paling obvious.
as he made his way to the front of the dewan. I just looked. and fikir. do you ever wonder why i didn't texted you these days. did you miss me. did you ever feel like oh kenapa dia tak text. and rasa mcm nak aku text.


x kisah lah.
so. after the paper habis. aku ultimately went down.
aku rasa cheated. rasa mcm kena sabotaj .

like. even aku fikir aku all prepared for the test, but still I couldn't do it. the soalan is fucking tough mcm sengaja nak jerut org dgn kain.


handkerchief


but there's one thing aku fikir lagi sebelum keluar dewan tu
aku nak tgk dia lagi. boleh tak.
keluar dewan. aku pergi kat beg aku. and duduk bawah. so if dia keluar  pintu, he won't see me
but aku nak nampak dia
so yeah I saw him. sekejap.

he was smiling with his friends


I wore baju kurung.
thinking like. do you see me. i'm right here. do I look fine today . you do
thinking like. do you look forward to see me during the time of masuk dewan or keluar dewan on every day we have a paper.
mcm aku rasa selalu.


so aku balik.


I got this one thing..
that is

bila something bad happened, and aku jd down gila. there's something i'm going to look for.
if that time I'm outside. I will look for him
look for chances to see him
look for chances to..
atau aku just akan cari dia

sbb aku rasa dia akan boleh buat aku happy masa aku down tu

even benda tu illogic, that he would do that..
but I was just following my heart
for me, in my heart, bila kau down, dia = happiness.

but he keep letting me down
shut me down

so aku walked home. perasaan memang kering


like . sapa cari psl I might smack them on the face.
so I grieved about the paper and about on seeing him 2 times with duration less than 20 seconds


tidur

and bgn


makan


and kau whatsapp aku


and aku whatsapp syira


as my BIS are expiring, aku minta kredit from my mom


so my mum shared rm10


and aku ada rm12 after that







so I have that rm2 and fikir. I wanted to call him. even that'll be so pelik dan pelik dan pelik.


but I just wanted to. talk to somebody aku suka tu




so. 12.27am


called


aku tau dia takkan angkat
sebab selama ni tu lah dia buat
but he did


lps brp lama dia tak angkat call aku
smlm dia angkat


talked for 20mins
of things


but after that call.
aku rasa lagi down


of course it's because of things that we talked about


idk how to explain


we talked about a lot of things
"a lot"
of things


things like.


idk

malas la nk cita


but he did break my heart

he threw it away


like. I offered something. he said no I don't want it
cth je la


being so cold
so fucking cold


haley aku tak tau apa nak buat

haley aku tak tau apa makna rational

haley aku tak tau apa makna distance

aku tak tahu apa makna kebaikan

aku tak tahu apa makna bersih

tak tahu apa makna diterima

aku tak tahu knp kau kena pergi

aku tak tahu knp kita gagal even bila kita fikir kita all prepared


kenapa kita fail Allah
kenapa kita suka kat org
kenapa org tak suka kat kita
knp org tak nampak apa kita buat
knp sometimes things are so.

haley kita semua tau kita semua ada perasaan
kita tahu apa kebaikan apa tak

haley aku just
xtau

haley will he see what I am

haley . x guna dah


maksudnya dia x suka aku la kan?
obviously farah

dah lama dah.
aku je pretend benda tu salah


haley , masalahnya aku seeing him differently from others
masalahnya jugak. he didn't see me as you guys do


xpalah
biar lah

so


itu lah apa yang mengganggu
bajet macam takda benda lain yang lebih penting je aku nak fikir
esok paper and aku taktau macammana nak study mood memang takda mcm haram jadah


if only aku boleh transfer semua ni jd art
huhu




sorry la cerita semua benda pelik-pelik kat kau
benda-benda ni takkan jd masalah untuk orang macam kau
kau takkan involve in it pun at the first place